With local residents comparing their lot to Egyptions throwing off the yoke of an oppressive dictatorial government, Yarravillians in Melbourne’s inner west and their supporters recently began an earnest campaign of terror and civil disobedience in response to the local council voting to continue to use parking meters in the main street of the little town.
“We have a mortgage to think of”, exclaimed one frenzied rioter as she sipped on her $7.50 triple shot organic cappucino with a dash of Columbian single-source chocolate powder while kicking a parking meter. “And think about it: this three-seater prambus I purchased after the birth of my daughter Mi’randa Madeline Mildew still has 12 monthly installments of $199 remaining on it. By the time we pay the mortgage and the prambus, not to mention the weekly installments on the Lexus Hybrid, who the hell has any spare cash left for parking meters?”
Another rioter compared the recent decision to keep parking meters with the Great Depression: “Pretty soon money will be worthless in Yarraville. There’ll be so many 20c, 50c and $1 and $2 coins in circulation that they won’t be worth a damn thing. The entire currency will devalue and suddenly we’ll be having to bring down wheelbarrows full of $1,000,000 notes to buy our home made pomegranate and fig juice sourced from sustainable local growers.”
Other concerned citizens seem to be mostly worried about the health implications of carrying around a lot of spare change. “Look, coins are for poor people,” argued one despondent father with a carefully trimmed beard and two manbuns, “My children, Alexander Lex Ander and Abcde Lee Ander are nine and eight respectively, go to a good private school and have probably never touched real money. If they accidentally touch any of the coins I have in the console of the car for parking they’re likely to catch ebola or leperosy. Will no-one think of the children?”
Still more concerned citizens of Yarraville see the continued presence of parking meters as a direct violation of their liberty, freedom and right to mingle on corners discussing the latest biodegradable outdoor seating and sustainable foods sourced directly from Germany, Argentina and Sweden.
With unrest continuing to swell, it’s unlikely we’ve seen the end of tensions in Yarraville.