The egregious incapacity of Telstra

By | 2011/04/02

Telstra, Australia’s number one phone/internet company in terms of market share, certainly has excellent signal strength, data speed (particularly for mobile broadband) and coverage. For those reasons, much as periodically they figuratively bugger me, I keep coming back. OK, so maybe I’m slightly masochistic, but when their shit works, it really really works.

But when their shit doesn’t work … well, let’s just say that they seem to have a customer call process that destroys a little more of your soul with each transfer.

A couple of weeks ago, I spent 2.5 hours on the phone to Telstra to find out one simple thing: what my current data usage was. The chunk of my soul lost in the experience was not insubstantial.

On the positive side, it did allow me to reverse engineer their flowchart for handling customer calls, and I present my observational findings below for your benefit:

Telstra Call Process


To make matters more fun, their “complaints” line now (“Call 132200, say ‘complaints'”) just simply takes you back through to billing and accounts, where they insist they will need to go through the entire process again before they can log a formal complaint. Hmmm, there’s no exit strategy. Yes, you’re fucked.

I currently have a formal complaint lodged with Telstra – and annoyingly, stupidly, moronically, the only way I could get such a complaint lodged with them was to actually lodge it with the Telecommunications Industry Ombudsman (TIO).

NB: I will happily alter the above image when it no longer reflects the significantly higher percentage of times when I have called Telstra for an issue.