Sometimes it seems daily that we’re assailed with all sorts of seemingly crazy ideals and directives that fundamentalists and other religious extremists would have us believe are directives from god.
I’ve often wondered where they came from, but it suddenly occurred to me this morning that they must come from that previously lost section of the bible, the Book of Stupidicus.
1 Lo, the Lord spake until Henriett, saying
2 “Do not watch or read Harry Potter, for it deals with witchcraft, which is Evil beyond all reckoning.”
3 And Henrietta did as the Lord commanded, spreading the news far and wide. Yet she returned, she found her children watching The Simpsons,
4 And the Lord did command her, “Kill your children, for they have passed into Evil”.
5 And Henrietta sentenced her children to death by Pat Robinson, wherein they were required to read his words until their heads exploded.
6 The Lord then came upon the Folk of Westboro, and found some to be the perfect vessels for His Vitriol.
7 He gifted unto some of those gentle folk all His Hatred and Anger for All Things He Had Created,
8 And taught them how to speak that Hatred.
9 “God Hates ALL the things” they cried, knowing His mind.
10 And God was happy.
11 Next, God came upon a Catholic priest foully tormenting a small child, and He cried out “Stop! Thou must stop!”
12 “Thou must stop!” the Lord cried, “And tell the world of the evil of Homosexuality and Birth Control. Then and only then mayest thou return to thy previous endeavours.”
13 So the priest put the child in a closet and stood before the pulpit to tell all of God’s great morality
14 while the child wept in the dark. And the Pope was happy, for no-one could hear the child, meaning it did not exist.
15 And then did the Lord invent a Time Machine, and did name it “The Awesome Religious Doctrinal Interlocutor’s Ship”.
16 And he sent Jesus in The Awesome Religious Doctrinal Interlocutor’s Ship back to the garden of Gethesemane, so Jesus could fill in the blanks.
17 And Jesus stepped forth from the The Awesome Religious Doctrinal Interlocutor’s Ship to his disciples and proclaimed “I forgot to mention, ALL homosexuals are EVIL”.
18 And the disciples thought this odd, for Jesus had had many sleepovers with Judas, but nevertheless noted his proclamation.
19 Then Jesus said “Blessed are the poor, for they can fend for themselves without any help from others.”
20 But Jesus was not done: “All those with money should accumulate MORE money to save the poor from the evil of money. Thus, are the richest people in the world also the most saintly, for they do gather evil to their bosoms to save others from it.”
21 And the disciples did giggle, for Jesus had said “bosom”. Then they sighed in relief and established the Republican Party.
22 Then Jesus stepped back into The Awesome Religious Doctrinal Interlocutor’s Ship and travelled into the Future to England to buy some Fish and Chips, but become distracted by an Alien Invasion.
23 The Lord did perceive a time when an artisan from the distant East would achieve notoriety and thus did command:
24 “My children must abhor and refuse Gangham style, for it is the work of The Devil himself”.
25 And his faithful noted the command for future reference.
26 And the Lord also perceived a time when the Churches would start prohibiting Homosexual marriage, then later Homosexuals would demand marriage equality again.
27 So the Lord said “When that happens, thou shall forswear all other forms of marriage I have permitted, including Incest, Polygamous, Forced and Rape, and declare ONLY the marriage between a man and a woman to be legitimate.”
28 And the bigots were happy.