Pretty much every day you hear some oddball proclaim to any and all who will listen about how same-sex marriage is a threat to society.
But just how does that work? What are the arguments? Consider some common ones.
Marriage is about the procreation of humanity
You’d think, with a population of approximately 7 billion and still rising, that this wouldn’t be raised as an issue any more. But bless their fornicating souls, these people are determined to think we should still be popping out as many babies as we can every year without fail. Every married couple on the planet should be as fecund as Michelle Duggar, prolific baby-maker, who at last count had extruded 19 children. Yes, that’s the same Michelle Duggar who spawned the “Vagina: It’s not a clown car” meme.
All those old people past child bearing age who get married? All those people who can’t have children who get married? Clearly they understand their lot in life and don’t have sex, but damn homosexuals, given they have sex out of wedlock you can be guaranteed they’ll have sex in wedlock and the most that’ll come out of that sort of sex is some butt babies.
Same-sex marriage will destroy traditional marriage
Never clearly explained, the premise for this one seems to be that as soon as people can marry other people of the same gender, it’s going to start some divorce-wave across entire nations as married couples look at each other, look at the same-sex married couple across the road and universally proclaim, “Screw that! What this relationship is lacking is more of MY type of genitals!”
All this of course is premised on two rather interesting ideas, viz:
- People can choose their sexual orientation
- People who may have same-sex attracted feelings can still get married and lead ‘normal’ lives
So, when you hear a man saying that same-sex marriage will destroy traditional marriage, what he’s really saying is: “At heart I’m a cock muncher who happened to be able to impregnate a woman twice. In the dark. When it was really dark. And I secretly thought of my best mate Steve while I was doing it.”
The other approach to this argument is the ‘Barnaby’. When speaking to a rally opposing same-sex marriage, Barnaby Joyce waxed lyrical about his four daughters:
“We know the best protection for those girls is that they get themselves into a secure relationship with a loving husband, and I want that to happen for them. I don’t want any legislator to take that right away from me.”
This is a pretty potent argument, because as we all know, the goal of same-sex marriage rights is to have a rider clause (hehe) that requires all men to “try gay” for a year before they’re allowed to marry women. And of course, that’ll mean that no man will ever marry another woman again.
Jesus didn’t like homosexuals
Actually, here’s everything Jesus ever said about homosexuals: [____________]
Unless of course they’re talking about Jesus, that pool cleaner who spends 8 hours every Saturday cleaning the pastor’s pool, shirtless, and who always seems to leave with a nice grin on his face and a tip, even though he took an extra long lunch break at the pastor’s expense.
The bible doesn’t like homosexuals
Well, the bible doesn’t like a lot of things. The worst condemnation of homosexuality in the bible comes from Leviticus, who also didn’t have very nice things to say about shellfish, women menstruating, or mixed fabrics.
Yes, Levticus was an embittered, sexually frustrated 60 year old queen on a dance floor being rejected by a 20 year old guy after having a fag-hag knock his drink out of his hands with that prawn cocktail she was holding. Why she was holding a prawn cocktail on the dance floor, we’ll never know. It’s one of life’s little mysteries.
Ah, but it’s not the old testament we need to worry about, some say – it’s the new testament. That only has nice things in it. Like Timothy, who tells us that women should shut up, never be heard in church, and never, ever think to lecture their betters (men).
Let’s be honest: if read literally, the bible sort of doesn’t like anyone.
Homosexuality is more dangerous than smoking
If you squint. And if you take mortality data only from the first decade or so of HIV, and only if you look at mortality data from that period from specific locations that had high gay populations.
Same-sex marriage will teach children it’s normal
As opposed to being taught that bigotry, prejudice, bullying and close-minded attitudes are the only appropriate civil behaviour!
Same-sex marriage will mean children will be taught homosexual sex
Because every school currently employs prostitutes to perform graphic heterosexual acts in front of children aged 6-10, they’re going to have to start demonstrating … oh, they don’t? Really? So why would homosexual sex be taught to children then?
Because children should never hear about homosexuality
Just the same way that preventing children under 18 from drinking or voting means they never hear about drinking or voting at school, or from their friends, or from the news, or … oh.
Same sex marriage will legitimise homosexuality
Like getting the vote legitimised women. It’s the thin edge of the wedge. Next thing you know, homosexuals will want to call themselves “human”.
Next stop: polygamy!
There seems to be no inherent risk on that front. The same-sex marriage advocates are just as eager to throw polygamy under the bus as the opponents to same-sex marriage.
Next stop: pets and toasters!
After all, it’s entirely inappropriate enough as it is that heterosexual men go off and marry their female poodles and kettles. Don’t open the floodgates to homosexual men marrying their male labradoodles and toasters.
Same sex marriage isn’t traditional
That’s why slaves still aren’t allowed to get married without the consent of their owners … oh.
No, wait: That’s why mixed-race couples aren’t allowed to get married … oh.
No, wait: That’s why women can’t get married without the permission of their parents … oh.
No, wait: That’s why first cousins can’t marry … oh.
In actuality the only thing traditional about marriage is that it’s been constantly evolving. Being entirely honest, too, since homosexuals were allowed to get married in the past, wouldn’t that mean that advocates of traditional marriage should be supportive of same-sex marriage?
Where’s the threat?
Is the threat same-sex marriage, or institutionalised child molestation and rape in churches?
Is the threat same-sex marriage, or people carrying guns into crowded malls and going crazy?
Is the threat same-sex marriage, or global warming?
Is the threat same-sex marriage, or unmitigated greed in the financial sector causing another global meltdown?
A little more perspective and a little less histrionics would do wonders for this discussion.