Reacting angrily to claims they are wilfully imprisoning children within hellish detention centres situated in poverty stricken countries where they are subject to rape, physical abuse, anguish and complete dehumanisation, the Australian Federal Government has announced its latest plan to reduce to zero the number of asylum seeker children being held.
“Our bold new plan will ensure no child is left in a detention centre”, claimed an immigration official. “Operation GrowOld will result in absolutely zero asylum seeker children in detention centres by 2075. This, coupled with a rigorous and percussive application of the SinkTheBloodyBoats policy will ensure Australia remains safe from non-Christian children fleeing war-torn countries.”
When asked by journalists whether operation GrowOld simply meant leaving children in detention centres until they were no longer technically classified as children, the immigration official pointed out the nearest window, screamed “Burqa!” and fled the press conference.
A pantheon of Australian state leaders has offered to take in hundreds of asylum seekers currently in Australia waiting deportation to Nauru (including children who have been raped in detention) at no cost to the federal government. Similarly, a plethora of churches in the country have offered sanctuary to the asylum seekers as well. In both cases, this has been met by stony faced silence by government ministers who have largely been preoccupied with finding new and interesting ways to expense helicopter joyrides.
Meanwhile, the oddball lovechild of the Scarecrow, Tin-Man and Lion from the Wizard of Oz, and erstwhile alternate prime minister, Bill Shorten, continues to back the inhuman policies of the federal government despite a clear opportunity to claim a moral – or indeed any – victory over his opponents.