More lessons from living in Melbourne

By | 2014/12/06

It’s coming up to three full calendar years, three and a half years in total of living in Melbourne. It’s such a fantastic city, but when you live here, you learn things you don’t necessarily appreciate when you visit. I’ve mentioned some of these before, but it’s time to impart some more useful information.

State Library Submerged

  1. Melbourne has at times in the past been plagued by super-villains. The original state library was submerged and lost when Doctor Landslide attacked the city in 1908.
  2. Essendon has a silent ‘n’ in it, making it even more pretentious than Berwick, which has a silent ‘w’.
  3. No-one knows how the hell you’re meant to say ‘Prahran’, even those people who have lived in the suburb their entire lives.
  4. Darebin has a flamboyant ‘e’.
  5. Stealth Vegetarian restaurants are a thing. They don’t present a food menu until after your coffee has arrived. As Mad-Eye Moody from the Harry Potter series would exclaim: Constant vigilance!
  6. There is a Trojan Dog in Fairfield.
  7. Even the most refined of Melbourne residents will joke at least once or twice in their lives about the phantom satellite suburb of Kew, “Far Kew”.
  8. Williamstown has the lowest percentage of residents named ‘William’ in all of Melbourne.
  9. Long-term Melbourne residents usually respond with stunned disbelief when they discover “pot and parma” isn’t a thing in the rest of Australia.
  10. Melbourne taxi drivers will regularly regale you with horror stories about how no-one ever wants to take a taxi any more … after you’ve waited an hour, suffered four cancellations and had to finally use GoCatch to offer a $20 bribe, just because you only need a 3-suburb trip.
  11. Any person with an Australian accent who asks for directions to the “domestic airport” is automatically assumed to be a Sydney resident.
  12. Melbourne has the “Harold Holt Memorial Swimming Centre”, named after the Australian Prime Minister who went missing and presumably drowned whilst swimming.
  13. Hipsters in Melbourne use Grindr to only look for people who want that awkward after-sex talk, but without the sex.
  14. Hipsters in Melbourne have rather ironically become overwhelmingly mainstream.
  15. Chadstone Shopping Centre is misspelt: It’s actually Chavstone Stopping Centre.
  16. You can become embroiled in a stellar argument in Melbourne by trying to justify your choice for best street art.
  17. If James Bond ever came to Melbourne, the chase scene would involve Fixies and the City Loop Tram.
  18. Religious nutbags have been campaigning outside of an abortion clinic in Melbourne for so many decades now that they’re officially classified as Sanctimonious Jerks under the Australian Noxious Pests Index, rating just 0.5 of a per cent below cane toads.
  19. Despite its name, there is no better chance of seeing a badly timed boner in Spotswood than any other suburb in Melbourne.
  20. George Pell originally comes from Ballarat, not Melbourne. Still, he remains someone that many Victorians are very embarrassed about.
  21. The 86 tram is actually a government sponsored Hipster relocation service. It runs every day to help the Hipsters who have mistakenly wandered into the CBD get out and back to their natural habitat before they assimilate and lose their natural drawl.
  22. There are more Ukulele stores in Melbourne than shoe-shops.
  23. The state of the Australian economy can be measured against the number of operating Pie Face stores in the CBD. Since this has been plummeting of late, we can only assume things are getting dire.
  24. It is perfectly normal in Melbourne to walk down a city street at any time of the day or night and see Jeff Kennett giving a random interview.
  25. Dante’s 7th Circle of Hell is actually driving through Northcote with a full bladder during peak hour  behind a number 86 tram.
  26. Barristas in Melbourne can claim more tasting notes in a small handful of beans than a Sommelier with 40 years experience would dare to suggest across a dozen bottles of wine.
  27. The current population of Melbourne is estimated to be approximately 4.35 million. This swells to 9.7 million on xmas day, with 97.6% of that population trying to get into the Melbourne Zoo.
  28. The Yarra River in Melbourne is acknowledged to be the only thing in Australia more toxic than a Liberal Party Fundraiser.
  29. The roller-coaster at Melbourne’s Luna Park was actually originally built in 1741, and can substitute for 18 chiropractic adjustments.
  30. The average CBD worker in Melbourne will have more coffee loyalty cards than credit cards in his or her wallet at any time, usually by at least a ratio of 4:1.

3 thoughts on “More lessons from living in Melbourne

  1. Siobhan Ellis

    Hmm, not sure if this counts. If you are a Sydneysider living in Melbourne, you are constantly asked if you prefer Melbourne or Sydney. A question you never hear in Sydney.

    1. preston Post author

      Ah, but that could be the overwhelming desire of Melbournians to ensure people are happy and pleased! 😉

      1. Siobhan Ellis

        That would be true if they just asked “do you like it here?” I think it shows their basic insecurity over Sydney 🙂

Comments are closed.