As warnings come thick and fast that the heat will be particularly challenging this summer, Melbourne is suffering rapidly advancing Hipster Deficit Disorder as the short-shunning and heavily bearded folk migrate to cooler climates with a strong food culture and antiquarian book scene.
Cafés across Brunswick, Fitzroy and Collingwood are increasingly finding themselves at peril of hiring staff unable to tell the difference between Single Origin and Coffee Blends at a glance, and at least one café has been forced to shutdown its cold-drip coffee service fearing cultural contamination after a recent hire assumed it meant Blend 43 in cold water.
Cafés and restaurants however have not been the most hardest hit. A growing number of typewriter ribbon supply stores across the city have found their customer base fleeing at alarming numbers with typecasters flocking to the northern hemisphere.
Meanwhile, some Melbourne residents have found the drastically reduced hipster population to be of benefit: commuters on the 86 tram route are no longer finding themselves surrounded by knitters, unicyclists and aeropress coffee makers on their trips to and from the city.
The Victorian Government however is rumoured to be considering a “catch and release” programme to try to repopulate key hipster communities. An expert panel has been convened to determine whether strategically sited bars with Ella Fitzgerald playing on a 78 record player, single-origin hot chocolate or jafflechutes have the most chance of luring as many hipsters into one location as possible. Once contained, forced feeding of non-smashed avocado on plain white toast is considered the most humane way to temporarily stun the hipsters so they can be returned to suitable locales.
More news as it breaks.