iPhone 6 and those batshit crazy tech pundits…

By | 2014/08/17

 

iStock Laughing HorseAs the release of the iPhone 6 draws ever closer, it’s that time again when the realms of batshit crazy tech pundits expands to overflowing as they all work themselves into a click-whore lather of attention-seeking, meaningless headlines.

You can barely go anywhere without stumbling over another nonsensical headline.

From New York Post:

iPhone 6 users want screens that don’t scratch or crack

…as opposed, of course, to those Windows 8 and Android users who are demanding scratchable, crackable screens.

From Forbes:

iPhone 6: A Big Screen is Nice, But The Bigger Battery Is Necessary

…After reading article, Jony Ivy exclaims, “shit! Bigger battery? Who’d have thought of that!? Witchcraft!”

From BGR:

Here’s how Apple will make sure you can buy a new iPhone 6 next month

…Hogwarts Owls and Floo powder! That way even if servers crash, those orders will still get through!

From Cult of Mac:

Beautiful renders of new iPhone 6 packaging make us drool.

…It comes in a PIZZA box!

From Gotta Be Mobile:

iPhone 6 Specs: 10 Exciting Details

…Well colour me Doctor Who, I never expected #8 on the list to be “sonic screwdriver mode”.

From New York Post:

What If There’s No iPhone 6?

…and if this headline made you cry, please send your tears into our editors so they can DRINK them.

From BGR:

Will Apple really get away with charging $800 for a 5.5-inch iPhone 6?

…gosh darnit, that’s a mere $50 less expensive than the Model T Ford when it first came out!

From Business Insider:

This May Be What’s Inside the iPhone 6

…I hope they bring back Elvis!

From TG Daily:

The iPhone 6: A new kind of Kardashian

…a metallic, electronic Kardashian capable of meaningful communication, that is.

From CMSWire:

The iPhone 6: Is it size that matters most?

…There there, there there. it’s not the size that counts, it’s how you use it.

From CNET:

Apple’s iPhone 6 could be NFC capable, report says

…how’re those NFC iPhone 4, 4S, 5, 5S and 5C models that everyone predicted coming along?

From Marketing:

What marketeers need to know about the iPhone 6

…First, it be an iPhone.

…Let me guess, second, it’s an iPhone 6?

…Yes, have you got one?

…No, it’s just a wild stab in the dark, which is what you’ll be getting soon if you don’t let me see it

From TechRadar UK:

iPhone 6 said to be one step away from mass production

…Everyone eagerly awaiting Tim Cook turning flicking the power-switch for all those cyborg workers to ‘on’.

From Network World:

iPhone 6 will not be delayed by Chinese wheel hub factory explosion

…Spanish Inquisition also tipped not to interfere with the release of the iPhone 6.

From BGR:

Apple is now reportedly putting the final touches on the iPhone 6

…Samsung now prepping new Galaxy S7 with factory-installed fingerprints to compete with final touches on iPhone 6.

From Forbes:

100,000 Reasons Why Apple’s iPhone 6 Won’t Be US Manufactured

…reasons #87,315 and #91,876 will BLOW YOUR MIND.

From NEWS.com.au:

iPhone 6 to be called iPhone Air according to rumours?

…Some pundits continuing to advocate that it’ll be called the “iPhone Galaxy Xperia M8”.

From Business Insider:

Ugly Market Data For Apple Shows How Desperately It Needs iPhone 6 To Be A Hit

…With less than $500 billion in the bank, investors worry Apple may be ripe for hostile takeover from Blackberry.

From NEWS.com.au:

Apple hints that the next big thing in iPhones might not be the iPhone 6

…iPhone 6 to be radically smaller, so it’ll be the next small thing in iPhones?

From CNET:

Multiple iPhone parts leak out before September 9th

…Apple frantically considering new ‘depends’ functionality in devices to prevent further leakage.

From TechRadar UK:

This could be our first picture of the iPhone 6 running iOS 8

…or it could be a photo of a ventriloquist’s dummy riding a narwhal. You can never tell when you’re on acid.

From Yahoo News:

This is the Feature iPhone 6 Feature Shoppers Want Most

…PLEASE BE PHASERS.


With weeks to go before the estimated announcement of the iPhone 6, we can be sure of only one thing at this point in time: the pundits haven’t even started the really bat-shit crazy stories yet.