iPhone 6 and those batshit crazy tech pundits…

By | 2014/08/17


iStock Laughing HorseAs the release of the iPhone 6 draws ever closer, it’s that time again when the realms of batshit crazy tech pundits expands to overflowing as they all work themselves into a click-whore lather of attention-seeking, meaningless headlines.

You can barely go anywhere without stumbling over another nonsensical headline.

From New York Post:

iPhone 6 users want screens that don’t scratch or crack

…as opposed, of course, to those Windows 8 and Android users who are demanding scratchable, crackable screens.

From Forbes:

iPhone 6: A Big Screen is Nice, But The Bigger Battery Is Necessary

…After reading article, Jony Ivy exclaims, “shit! Bigger battery? Who’d have thought of that!? Witchcraft!”

From BGR:

Here’s how Apple will make sure you can buy a new iPhone 6 next month

…Hogwarts Owls and Floo powder! That way even if servers crash, those orders will still get through!

From Cult of Mac:

Beautiful renders of new iPhone 6 packaging make us drool.

…It comes in a PIZZA box!

From Gotta Be Mobile:

iPhone 6 Specs: 10 Exciting Details

…Well colour me Doctor Who, I never expected #8 on the list to be “sonic screwdriver mode”.

From New York Post:

What If There’s No iPhone 6?

…and if this headline made you cry, please send your tears into our editors so they can DRINK them.

From BGR:

Will Apple really get away with charging $800 for a 5.5-inch iPhone 6?

…gosh darnit, that’s a mere $50 less expensive than the Model T Ford when it first came out!

From Business Insider:

This May Be What’s Inside the iPhone 6

…I hope they bring back Elvis!

From TG Daily:

The iPhone 6: A new kind of Kardashian

…a metallic, electronic Kardashian capable of meaningful communication, that is.

From CMSWire:

The iPhone 6: Is it size that matters most?

…There there, there there. it’s not the size that counts, it’s how you use it.

From CNET:

Apple’s iPhone 6 could be NFC capable, report says

…how’re those NFC iPhone 4, 4S, 5, 5S and 5C models that everyone predicted coming along?

From Marketing:

What marketeers need to know about the iPhone 6

…First, it be an iPhone.

…Let me guess, second, it’s an iPhone 6?

…Yes, have you got one?

…No, it’s just a wild stab in the dark, which is what you’ll be getting soon if you don’t let me see it

From TechRadar UK:

iPhone 6 said to be one step away from mass production

…Everyone eagerly awaiting Tim Cook turning flicking the power-switch for all those cyborg workers to ‘on’.

From Network World:

iPhone 6 will not be delayed by Chinese wheel hub factory explosion

…Spanish Inquisition also tipped not to interfere with the release of the iPhone 6.

From BGR:

Apple is now reportedly putting the final touches on the iPhone 6

…Samsung now prepping new Galaxy S7 with factory-installed fingerprints to compete with final touches on iPhone 6.

From Forbes:

100,000 Reasons Why Apple’s iPhone 6 Won’t Be US Manufactured

…reasons #87,315 and #91,876 will BLOW YOUR MIND.

From NEWS.com.au:

iPhone 6 to be called iPhone Air according to rumours?

…Some pundits continuing to advocate that it’ll be called the “iPhone Galaxy Xperia M8”.

From Business Insider:

Ugly Market Data For Apple Shows How Desperately It Needs iPhone 6 To Be A Hit

…With less than $500 billion in the bank, investors worry Apple may be ripe for hostile takeover from Blackberry.

From NEWS.com.au:

Apple hints that the next big thing in iPhones might not be the iPhone 6

…iPhone 6 to be radically smaller, so it’ll be the next small thing in iPhones?

From CNET:

Multiple iPhone parts leak out before September 9th

…Apple frantically considering new ‘depends’ functionality in devices to prevent further leakage.

From TechRadar UK:

This could be our first picture of the iPhone 6 running iOS 8

…or it could be a photo of a ventriloquist’s dummy riding a narwhal. You can never tell when you’re on acid.

From Yahoo News:

This is the Feature iPhone 6 Feature Shoppers Want Most


With weeks to go before the estimated announcement of the iPhone 6, we can be sure of only one thing at this point in time: the pundits haven’t even started the really bat-shit crazy stories yet.