I don’t want to be gay

By | 2012/09/12

Every couple of weeks, I see a search result leading to my blog of “I don’t want to be gay”. It’s time I address that. So this post is for you, if you’ve typed that into a search engine, and found my blog as a result.

Being gay does not make you a bad person

Being gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, intersexed or any other definition you may have heard of relating to sexuality has no bearing, whatsoever, on whether you are a good or bad person. If someone tells you this, they are wrong – they are utterly and completely wrong, with no room for doubt. Sexuality is a part of you, not some litmus test for goodness or badness. Being gay is no different from being left-handed, or blue-eyed, or red-haired. It’s a part of you.

You are not alone

Every person who has discovered they aren’t heterosexual will have a very good idea of what you’re going through. Of course, there can be unique circumstances, but by and large they’re not. The way family reacts, the way we feel when we first discover our sexuality, the way friends react, the way society reacts around us – each of us will have experienced something similar to what you’ve experienced. We know, and understand, what you’re going through, and support you on your journey. It can be a tough journey at times, but the rewards are so absolutely amazing; self-acceptance is a powerful tool, and being able to stand up and admit your sexuality to yourself first, then others, gives you a strength in the world that heterosexuals will never understand.

You cannot change your sexuality

If you’re religious, don’t think you can pray the gay away. If you want to find a cure in science, you won’t.

You can’t cure homosexuality because it isn’t a disease. Do people try to cure having blue eyes, or red hair? Sure, they may wear different coloured contacts, or dye their hair, but at the end of the day they’re not hiding it from themselves. Don’t spend your days, weeks, months or years wishing you were ‘normal’. Normal is an abhorrent term when you feel you’re not – your sexuality is not abnormal. You are not abnormal.

You have nothing to be ashamed of

Homosexuality occurs in hundreds of species. There is documented evidence of it occurring in over 400, in fact. Homophobia only occurs in one species – it’s the homophobes that should be ashamed, not you. If you believe a religion makes you a sinner, you need to look carefully at the tenets and edicts of that religion, and the people who use it. Those who would use ‘proof’ from religious texts to show that homosexuality is sinful ignore a multitude of other sins and edicts themselves, without thinking twice about it. That doesn’t make them correct, it makes them hypocrites.

There is no shame in your sexuality.

Things get better

If you’re going through a dark patch, remember this: depression lies. When we’re sad and depressed, or tired and sad, the world is skewed, and logic is skewed. Don’t believe things aren’t going to improve, because they can and will improve. If you are feeling depressed, reach out to an appropriate support group – they’re there to help you, and like acknowledging your sexuality, there’s nothing to be ashamed of in looking at mental health. The mind – the brain – is a fantastically complex organ, and the chemical reactions and electrical impulses that trigger our thoughts and emotions are physical things in and of themselves; talking to a counsellor or a support group or a doctor about how you feel is no different from talking to someone about any other physical part of your body you have concerns with.

Life is rich and full of opportunity

Some would say the gay lifestyle is hollow; they’re wrong. It’s like saying blue-eyed people get no fulfilment in their lives. If you feel strongly about having children, there are ways to achieve it, either through adoption, surrogacy or in vitro fertilisation. Yet having children is not the be-all and end-all of life fulfilment – particularly given the ever increasing population of our small planet.

Fulfilment in life comes from so many sources – art, culture, entertainment, friendship, family. Over time many of us build bonds with friends that significantly exceed those we experienced growing up with our families – we are privileged, in fact, at being gifted with the opportunity to look beyond family as the closest bond that can be experienced.

Life is what you make of it, and you don’t need to be heterosexual to make a good life.

Help is available, if you ask for it

Help really is available. Depending on where you are, it may take some careful digging, or, for the majority of the world, it may be no more than a few web searches away. Look for gay and lesbian support groups. Setup another email address using Google or MSN or any other such service, one that doesn’t give away identifying details about yourself – assume a pseudonym if you feel the need to, and reach out to forums and groups that will give you the support and help you need to make it through this time. Those forums and groups are there for you.

Love yourself

Finally, and this one is the hardest of the lot – trust me, I know. Learn to love yourself. It may seem the hardest thing to do, but it can be won in small incremental improvements. By accepting that you don’t need to be ashamed, by accepting you’re not alone, by accepting it doesn’t make you a bad person, you can learn to love yourself, and from there achieve so very much.

You don’t need to wish to be heterosexual.

2 thoughts on “I don’t want to be gay

  1. Lisa Rogers

    I fell in love twenty six years ago. I’d waited 9 months to meet him and when we met, i knew that the kind of love I felt was different than any sort of love I had ever felt before. It was instantaneous. I held that little boy in my arms and whispered “I will love you forever”.

    By the time he was five I was pretty sure that my son was gay. Call it mothers intuition, I have no idea why I felt so certain about it, I just did.

    As he progressed thru elementary school I began making random statements to him and his little sister. We lived in a very diverse community and I did my grocery shopping and ran most of my errands in Hillcrest, San Diego’s “gay” community. It was our community as well. It’s where we bought our first home.

    As the kids grew, the notion that men loved men and women loved women was just as acceptable as a man loving a woman. They asked questions and I answered them honestly. The message I wanted to convey was that gay men and women were no different than straight men and women. We all love the same. Who we fall in love with isn’t a choice. And above all else, there is nothing wrong with loving someone of the same sex. To hear one of my children say “I don’t want to be gay” would’ve broken my heart.

    When my son “came out” at the age of 15, I was the first person he told. I hugged him and told him “I knew it”! He laughed and said he figured I did. Not one person in our family turned their back on him. I got him involved with the GLBT Youth Group where he made a lot of great friends. His friends in high school didn’t discriminate against him…basically it was a natural and easy transition for him.

    Not so for many of his new friends. Kids who found themselves shunned by their families. Made fun of at school. Or simply had to sneak off to the GLBT Youth Group to have a place where they could be who they were, not who everyone wanted them to be. They didn’t come out to family or friends for various different reasons. In those kids eyes I saw confusion and fear. I also saw their determination to honor themselves by surrounding themselves with other kids who had similar feelings.

    I got to know a lot of these kids quite well. I saw them blush with the glow of first love. Cry in despair when relationships ended. I also became an ear for them to talk with. Their confusion and fear was always at the surface. Would their parents find out? What if they got kicked out of the house? And saddest of all, “I don’t want to be gay….but I know I am”.

    Knowing and acknowledging it was a big part of the battle and I found it remarkable that they found their way to the GLBT Youth Group. I met some of the bravest kids ever during their teen years. Brave enough to be honest with themselves. Even if they were scared half to death.

    It was a tumultuous time for most of these kids. My kid included. He may have had a family who accepted him for who he was, but he certainly didn’t live in a society that did.

    The kids are grown ups now. A lot of them “fb” me. Some are still in San Diego, some have moved clear across the country. My son stayed in San Diego. He’s 26 now. This journey hasn’t been easy for any of these kids. The discrimination they face may never end. But they’ve come a long way in accepting who they are and living the lives they deserve to live.
    One thing each of them has said to me at one point or another is: “I was born this way, I always knew”. Watching my son grow up leaves no doubt In my mind that indeed, you are born gay.

    “I don’t want to be gay”, breaks my heart. Fighting against what naturally feels right to you is exhausting. Feeling as if their is something “wrong” with you is a big load to carry around. Do you risk loss by coming out? Sure you do. Do you deserve to be loved for who you are? Absolutely. Is the journey a walk in the park? Hell no. But when all is said and done, you find your way to a place where you are accepted and loved. Your support system becomes an extension of your family. You have the chance to experience what falling in love feels like. Without shame! Coming out frees you to find a life full of richness. A life worth living. A life we all deserve! You are not .”less than”. You are an important member of a community that can relate to your struggle and embrace your strength!

    I could care less who my son loves. As long as he is happy.

    My hope is that one day the love of your child will trump who your child loves.
    That society will mind their own business and that once and for all, the stigma be lifted!

    Thanks for your post and for taking the time to read mine comment. 🙂
    Cheers! Lisa Rogers. On Twitter: mekomeeksLisa.

  2. Siobhan Ellis

    Actually worth pointing out that many institutions that claim the moral high ground are often the worst moral offenders. Yes, I’m looking at you Roman Catholic Church. Thus proving that religion and goodness do not go hand in hand.

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