BREAKING: The Federal Government today announced sweeping new protections for bullies in schools, designed to counteract a growing trend towards tolerance and acceptance being seen in younger generations.
“For too long bullies have been oppressed, their civil rights to abuse and taunt removed from them by insidious movements founded on faggy notions like ‘inclusion’ and ‘friendship'”, a government spokesperson said today while holding a lesbian in an aggressive headlock. “Bullies are naturally inclined to punch, kick, intimidate and threaten those whom they perceive as being different, and teaching it’s OK to be different is robbing them of that natural right. Bullies are victimised by the presence of homosexuals anywhere near them and it’s time to act.”
With the cancellation of large swathes of the Safe Schools programme, and hinting that the programme will be completely defunded next year, Government officials are openly relieved that another generation of LGBTI children will grow up confused and feeling unsafe.
“This tendency for the homosexual to think it is entitled to equal rights and safety is appalling”, added another government official while head-stomping a gay senior citizen. “Gays need to learn their place: working in call centres or maybe planning weddings – and certainly not participating in them!”
Meanwhile there are calls to find out whether the trashing of Cory Bernadi’s offices today was done by someone close to the supposed Prime Minister in an attempt to find his testicles, which are alleged to have been removed by the religious right within the Liberal party. Meanwhile, we assume the supposed Prime Minister has spent much of the day coming up with campaigns to emphasise he wears a different coloured tie to Tony Abbott and therefore is not Tony Abbott.