Government announces resolution plan to Bronwyn Bishop situation

By | 2015/07/29

Standing in front of a record 35 flags today, government officials announced a plan to resolve the Bronwyn Bishop problem.

“The problem, clearly, is the travel”, said the officials. “We’ve projected that by 2019, the speaker’s travel entitlements will grow to consume 75% of GDP, which well, yes, that’s a somewhat unsustainable rate.”

Since the Prime Minister is awfully keen on a speaker who has done such a chipper job at ejecting rowdy ALP MPs from parliament and has stayed in the Liberal party, thereby avoiding the Peter Slipper effect, officials admitted the government has been working around the clock for the last week to come up with a viable option.

The solution it seems is advanced medical research, something that will have unexpected payoffs for the country (though the government admits the research centre will be no-where near as aesthetically pleasing as a gaping open-cut coal mine).

Bronny Copy

“Look, we’re confident that for a relatively small investment (compared to 75% of GDP), we can institute and deliver on a human cloning project, with the goal to install a cloned Bronwyn in every city and town in Australia. The savings on travel will be enormous. Our current goal is to be in a position where we can churn out around 1,000 Bronwyn’s per month by June 2016.”

Scientists have expressed some reservations about the project, concerned that it could trigger a Bronwyn-Singularity where all the cloned Bronwyns start working synergistically. Such an army of Bronwyn’s could then start travelling to self-gatherings, bankrupting Australia, New Zealand and any other country silly enough to be nearby at the time of the event.

Meanwhile, the ALP has thrown its weight behind the cloning project, hopeful that it could be applied to their leader – and that random genetic errors in the cloning process might deliver a Bill Shorten with personality.