Dear Conservatives and Capitalists

By | 2013/05/03

dear conservatives and capitalistsThere’s another set of Equal Love/Marriage Equality rallies coming up, and I thought I’d jump in early and try to address some ongoing concerns conservatives and capitalists have about these rallies.

Dear Conservatives and Capitalists,

Think of society as a circle. Some of us are in the centre of the circle, some of us are on the right, and some are on the left. We may be in different positions, but we’re all part of the circle.

Unfortunately, some of those on the far left – the socialists – have hijacked the marriage equality cause in Australia, and perhaps elsewhere, too.

At the marriage equality rallies, you get histrionic organisers shrieking their own agendas that are almost totally unrelated to marriage equality. And indeed, when there is a relationship between what they’re shrieking and marriage equality, it’s a pretty fine line being drawn.

Oh, some of the guest speakers are quite eloquent and stay on the message – others tend to wander a bit. But it’s at least a 50/50 hit rate, which is pretty good for guest speakers at a rally.

But the socialists that have hijacked the marriage equality rally are … let’s be honest here … batshit crazy. They think that capitalism is the root of all evil and see their struggle for marriage equality to be part of a smaller battle to utterly destroy capitalism and everything that depends on it.

They’re not really all that interested in our struggle, just theirs. We’re just pawns in their ongoing battle for ideological supremacy.

But here’s the thing: they keep getting people paying attention to them because they’ve parasitically taken over our cause, and they use it as a mechanism to trumpet views that many of us homosexuals aren’t all that interested in. Defeating capitalism? Hell, most of us don’t have kids, meaning a high percentage of our incomes are disposable. We’re often exemplars of capitalism.

And conservatism? Well I admit we’re a bit out there sometimes in what we like to do, but think of what we’re asking for – marriage equality. We’re looking for the right to have our relationships treated the same as yours. If we were so wholly anti-conservative, the entire movement would be anti-marriage. But we’re pro-marriage, which means we’re all wanting a little bit of conservatism in our lives!

So you see, we’re actually on your sides, and we hope you’ll join ours, as well. It’s in your best interest. After all, those batshit crazy socialists are getting attention with the rallies for all their other crazy agendas … but what happens when we get marriage equality?

The rallies disappear! Or rather, they shrink back to insignificance – a monthly meeting of the try-hards and the die-hards getting together in some dank bar chewing over the stale vomit that is all the world’s perceived injustices against them.

Help us out here. Turn their hijacking against them – give us marriage equality, and we’ll give you a return to their regular, far more moderated part in politics.



* NB: Unlike the socialists, I don’t claim to represent all homosexuals with this open letter. Some may even be socialists themselves. But hey, you can’t win them all!

One thought on “Dear Conservatives and Capitalists

  1. paul walter

    Abbott has given gay marriage the kibosh from his end of politics. Very conservative place oz, at the moment.

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