Dear Bob

By | 2013/01/26
Bob Katter

Bob Katter

Dear Bob,

Can I call you Bob, Bob? I realise Parliament bestows the title “Honourable Member” on you, but your behaviour of late has been anything short of honourable, so I’m dropping that honorific for you. I’m encouraging the rest of Australia to do so, too. It’s only fair. It seems to have gone to your head.

So Bob, it’s time we had a chat. For years you’ve paraded yourself about Australia as a “loveable maverick”, but that seems to be wearing a little thin. Apparently you don’t like being called a homophobe, so how about for the remainder of this letter I call you gay?

The reason is simple: you’ve been really upset that us homosexuals have usurped the word ‘gay’. You’ll be pleased to know that many younger people in Australia have deemed ‘gay’ to not really mean homosexual at all, so we’ll go with their meaning, OK? You’re all for taking the word away from homosexuals – consider it granted for this letter!

So Bob, I think you’re being a bit gay with all this attitude towards homosexuality – both what you’ve expressed personally, and what your party has come out with. And since today is Australia Day, it’s time we have a little chat.

Now, you may want to tell people that you’re not responsible for what the views of the people selected to stand for parliament in your party think or say, but I think that’s a pretty damn gay argument for the leader of a party to make – especially when his name is in the party name. Damn gay, in fact. I think if Christopher Pyne for instance (hypothetically of course – I would never imply he actually has said or indeed would actually say this) in an interview said “Anyone who wears a hat like Bob Katter’s is a sheep rooter and eats horse shit on toast for breakfast every morning whilst masturbating into his cup of tea“, you’d probably get upset and likely demand Tony Abbott force Christpher Pyne to apologise. Either that or you’d get all butch and demand pistols at 40 paces at dawn with Christopher Pyne. That might be a little gay though. Pistols in a park at dawn? Sounds a little suspicious, perhaps even a sexual euphemism – so again, you’d probably demand Tony force Christpher to apologise. Indeed, we’d probably have to call you a wahmbulance to ride in until you got the apology. That’d be so gay.

Now, you may think I’m being over the top about the analogy. However, that’s really your problem – you insist that you don’t care about homosexuals, which means you’re wilfully ignorant about them, which means in turn you don’t really know to what level things annoy, upset or hurt them. So I’m filling you in – as someone who grew up around farmers and people on the land, and as a homosexual man, I find the notion of being compared to a paedophile or being told I can’t hold certain jobs just for being homosexual as rude and inappropriate as any farmer I’ve known would have found that hypothetical statement.

For years you’ve said that you’d walk backwards between two cities in Australia if there were more than 0.001% of homosexuals in your electorate. Bob, that’s completely gay. Everyone in Australia knows that the distance between any two cities in the country is huge, and so the notion of walking backwards between them is just, well, gay. You’re not going to be able to see what’s coming towards you – doubly so with that big gay hat you wear. And you’d do that after you found out there were a sufficient number of homosexuals in your electorate? You’d present your posterior as a target for them? Bob, that’s gay.

Do you like how I’m seizing the word back from us homosexuals for you, Bob? I’ll likely be lynched by my fellow homosexuals for doing this, so you’d better bloody well appreciate it. Otherwise, well, that’ll be gay.

But lately you said something even more gay than the normal gay things you say about homosexuals. You insisted that no homosexual in far north Queensland would have committed suicide for being homosexual.

Now, I’m not completely up with how young people talk – I’m turning 40 this year (don’t send me a card, that’d be so gay), but I’m fairly confident they’d also lump someone who exhibits such wilful ignorance into deserving the honorific, ‘gay’.

So Bob (and I hope we’re still on a first name basis after this), I hope you don’t mind if on behalf of every caring and open minded person in Australia, and every person in Australia who happens to have a homosexual relative or friend, when I say: you’re fired. Your “loveable maverick” routine will only get you so far, but you’ve become so gay that we just can’t tolerate you any longer. It’s time to go.

Goodbye, Bob. Don’t let the door hit your arse on the way out. Especially if it’s a homosexual door.

Yours (it’s an expression, not a euphemism), etc.,


PS: Bob, remembering your half-brother is a homosexual, that just means you fired yourself. Damn, Bob, that’s so gay.