Conversational spam

By | 2013/04/25

Laptop

Lately I’ve been getting a lot more spam than usual actually hit my inbox, rather than be silently deleted. That of course creates the temptation to read it and see what spammers are up to these days.

How are you? I’m Lena. i seek a gentleman! i commonly fitness, sing!

Well hi, Lena. Most girls do indeed think I’m a gentleman; mainly because I’m not interested in them. If you commonly fitness and sing, are you like the Mary Poppins of personal trainers? If so, I’m guessing you’d sing songs like “A spoonful of sugar makes the belly get round”, and others. Have you released a CD yet, and are you looking for a deal with Spotify?

How are things?? Im Elena! i search a mate! i often clean up and paint.

That’s handy to know, Elena. I’ll likely be moving soon, so I’ll touch base as soon as I’m ready for a pre-inspection clean on the house. Also, I’m selling my house in NSW – maybe you could do a quick touch up on the archetrays for me?

Good evening!!! Im Elena. I look for a friend! My hobbies are walking, arting.

Well I can’t fault your unbridled enthusiasm there, Elena. Three exclamation marks in your introduction. You must be very keen. I’m betting you’re one of those people who, once you start shaking someone’s hand, can’t quite work out when to stop and keep going until it gets kind of creepy. I’m unsure though whether you left off the ‘f’ in your interests, or if not, whether you’re into a particularly surreal kind of art that primarily focuses on the intersection between surrealism and word-play. Get back to me on that one, OK?

You are one of 7 people in the world selected to watch this very important video! After you watch it, you will know the 1 trick that makes any woman fall in love with you and want to sleep with you.

Well, since I got the email 5 times, I’m assuming you’re saying I’m 5 of 7 people in the world selected to watch your very important video, and I guess that means you’re calling me fat. That’s not very nice of you, is it? I also don’t think it’s all that appropriate I watch a video that teaches me how to make woman fall in love with me and sleep with me – my boyfriend may not approve.

Congratulations!!! You Have Been Selected to watch this shocking new video that women DONT want you to see. The video reveals a barely-legal mind control trick you can use on any woman to get her turned on, attracted to you, and wanting to f*&ck..In just SECONDS.

Like Elena before you, I have to give you full points for your unbridled enthusiasm in greetings. Unfortunately, I have to give you zero points for punctuation and capitalisation. I’m also not sure whether I want to make a woman want to f*&ck me. What would that be? Will women want to frock me? I don’t cross-dress – never have, never will. If that’s your goal, I regret to inform you that you’ll be bitterly disappointed. I certainly hope they don’t want to flock me – I don’t deal well with large crowds of people descending unexpectedly at me like seagulls at the beach demanding chips, irrespective of their gender, ethnicity or sexual orientation. Since you’re talking about mind control tricks, I’m assuming you must be versed in the ways of the force, but your suggestion of it being barely legal leaves me concerned you may actually be a Sith Lord. Is this the new recruitment programme? I’m guessing it may be more attractive than Emperor Palpatine (honestly, you’d think as supreme ruler of the Galaxy he might have had some cosmetic surgery done to repair the force-lightning-to-the-face scarring). But no, I want no part of your sorcerous ways!

Want a girlfriend? This will work for you. Want a bunch of random hotties? This will work for you. Want your ex girlfriend back?

No. No. No (never had one). Other than that, your message seems overflowing with relevance and interest for me. Please, continue. I’m absolutely riveted and can’t wait for your next missive.

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If you can’t click on ink, please click “no spam” or copy and paste it to address bar

What if the address bar is just a manifestation of my subconscious desire to go somewhere else in life? Should I just copy and paste stuff into my address bar, or should I type in a unique address, specific only to me, so I go where I uniquely need and want to go? I find it highly disturbing that you’re suggesting such a conformist approach to life. Do you work for a secret totalitarian organisation, intent on stripping all free will from individuals throughout the world and reducing us to mindless automatons? FIGHT THE POWER.

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Oh sure, it all sounds easy, but what happens if your fake degree is discovered? I knew a guy in my first job – a real sneaky, snivelling sort of guy – who supposedly had a degree in information science, but when he got divorced, his ex-wife contacted his boss to fill him in on the fakeness of his degree. Years later he submitted a resumé to the company I was working for and out of curiosity I called one of his references, who’d never heard of him. Fake degrees are the start of a very slippery slope! (Oh, but get back to me if you put me in touch with a rocket scientist. That way I can finally point at someone and say “it’s not rocket science!” That would be really cool.)