Hipster bars across Melbourne and Sydney have been reeling in their latest existential crisis as it becomes increasingly apparent their beloved hipster artist, Chet Faker, had become too mainstream as a result of his appearance on the Ellen Degeneres show.
“His dulcet tones, reminiscent of R&B, combined with slightly discordant electronica, random sounds and even more random lyrics have failed us!”, wailed the manager of a prestigious hipster bar in Fitzroy before noisily blowing his nose on a dapper, authentic 1920s pink handkerchief with purple polka dots.
“Chet’s conversion to mainstream is sadly inevitable” sighed a soporific waitress in Newtown as she smoothed her late 1950s rescued Blue Crimplene skirt. “Once Chet appeared on Ellen, his popularity increased to a point when 2UE would start playing him. At that point, discovery by the Yummy Mummy set was the sad, logical conclusion.”
With Chet Faker now persona non grata amongst the Hipster set, bars cafes and restaurants in the trendiest areas of Melbourne and Sydney are having to turn back to old standby artists, such as Johnny Cash and Ella Fitzgerald. One bar has even considered ironically playing Celine Dion, but only with the speakers turned off.
Sad hipsters on the streets of Brunswick have repeatedly been mistaken for emos as a result of the musical abandonment, with one hipster even forgetting to tie his shoulder length hair into a top- knot before leaving the house, and using plain black socks while riding his fixie instead of the tie-died variety.
We can only watch with horror as this malaise sets into the hipster communities and hope that a new avant-garde indie alternative artist rises from the ashes of their dreams before it it is too late.