Australians bracing themselves for a summer of headlines about bracing themselves

By | 2015/12/18

With summer days starting to roll through Australia in earnest, Australians are yet again bracing themselves for another summer of headlines about bracing themselves for impending hot days and heatwaves.


“It’s like being stuck next to that boring uncle at a wedding who can only talk about the weather”, said one Adelaide resident as she valiantly stayed cool by rubbing up against a large council-installed block of ice in her shopping centre. “Mainstream media just goes on and on about needing to brace for heatwaves as if we’ve never heard of words like ‘hot’, ‘heat’ and ‘Australia’ before.”

Other Australians, perhaps suffering projection problems from the new Star Wars movie are being found with increasing regularity on city streets staring at newspapers with bracing-style headlines, and screaming “SPOILERS! NO SPOILERS!”

The ongoing trend warning people to brace themselves for hot days is increasingly alarming to hipsters and other trend-setters who suffer a deep uncontrollable biological urge to resist the trend.

“Everywhere I go I see warnings about the heat”, said one bearded hipster in jeans, ugg boots, hand-knitted thick knobbly socks, a long scarf and wearing an alpaca jumper. “It’s crazy: we’re being expected to be utterly conformist and prepare for the heat.” He paused to to sigh dramatically as he sipped from a cup of hot soup while standing on an exposed street corner and noting the temperature was 38ºC before continuing: “I’m left with no alternative but to dress for winter in the middle of summer as a statement of my independence. I’ve already been rushed to hospital for heat exhaustion twice this summer.”

With the hottest months of summer still to come, warnings to be well braced for summer days are only just beginning, and the perpetual bracing for headlines about bracing is already having a marked impact on the mood of the nation.

“I got to a busy intersection this morning in the Melbourne CBD and not one car stopped for the driver to insist I cross the road”, said an exasperated woman. “I literally (and I don’t mean the non-literal version) had to press the pedestrian button. As if I lived in Sydney.”

On a lighter note, social media sites are already noting a significant uptick in the number of posts showing comparative hot days in Australia and Great Britain, demonstrating that even in the face of unstoppable headlines about bracing themselves for heat, some Australians at least are able to laugh at forms of heat that don’t cause people to spontaneously combust if insufficiently hydrated.