Standing amongst so many flags his face was obscured, the official revealed that the overnight ruling by the United States supreme court legalising marriage for same-sex couples would create a new wave of boat people seeking asylum from repressive legislation.
“Look, we know we said ‘stop the boats'”, said the official glumly, “But we have to accept these people are fleeing the worst forms of persecution. They’re fleeing tolerance … they’re fleeing equality … they’re fleeing from a judicial system that prevents them imposing their bigotry under the guise of religious beliefs on others. These are people who are appalled at the notion of two men getting married, or two women getting married. These are people who are terrified that someone will now contact them on Grindr offering them marriage rather than anonymous sex. This is a crisis we cannot ignore.”
Australian navy ships were being dispatched to the Pacific Ocean, it was revealed, laden with bibles, horse-hair underwear and images of gay people burning in the fires of hell to provide moral relief to those in dire need.
“We have to accept that these people do not belong in Nauru”, the government official continued to say. “These are good people. These are christian people. And white. We have an utter responsibility to ensure they receive expert medical care (which, given where they come from, they’ll expect to pay top dollar for) and a safe place to stay. We’ll ensure they get fast tracked for their asylum claims and settled into the community in areas where they can do the most good – marginal electorates, for instance.”
The leader of the opposition was asked for comment on the latest developments but he was too busy writing down ideas for a one-word zinger of a response to the crisis. His office advised a zinger should be forth-coming by Wednesday, 19 August at the latest.